Here and Now
Thursday, January 18 2007

Lethargy and shame are settling into my pores, weighing my eyelids down, making me drowsy with the inability to think about myself without regret. So much wisdom on hindsight - all the prayer in the world doesnt seem to keep me from making mistakes that clog up my senses and seep like a foul odour from my conscience. What I want, what I seek are so much more than what life is offering me right now. I can't make excuses without tripling my self-disgust, but all these dreams make it so difficult to turn away the little bits and peices that seem to be manifesting themselves in my day to day. I see now that the parts in isolation of each other don't add up to the whole. Hence the emptiness, the bitter silence of my inner judge - condemning my stupidity, my greed, my pitifulness. I can't keep grasping at straws that make my reflection in the mirror wane into a grotesque interpretation of the values I aspire to. I cannot survive more introspection if I can't dredge up more than the black refuse sticking to the walls of my mind. Too late, always too late, I see His greater wisdom at work and understand the very "cruelty" I had lamented had kept me safe from this very folly. I understand now why His approach to this thing has been all or nothing. Funny thing is, I had just been getting used to the nothing too and actually figuring out how to enjoy the anticipation. In my defense, I did think my time had come, my ship was setting sail. Premature - a tiny bit overeager and willfully blinded to consequences I knew were inevitable. Still only excuses that doesn't wash off the sorrow of having fallen down from my own estimation - again.