From Another Life:
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Stillwater, OK

I detect negative energy very well. When its around me, emanating from me, directed at me - I get this falling feeling in my mid regions, right where my ribcage ends. Some other things feel like that too - fear, anxietyand loneliness - the bone deep, silent kind. But when the feeling stays and knots into this dull sort of pain, thats when I know how much I distrust it, how much I am in awe of it.
For all the griping and the waxing eloquent over my woes, I have been forutnate. Because for the larger part I have been surrounded by positive feelings. Happily married couples, children who love their parents and even their siblings occassionally!, friends who stick by each other, colleagues who respect and like one another. Its almost scary how pink and fluffy my existence is sometimes, because I wonder if I have just shut out the bad stuff, you know selective perception.
Digressions apart, when the negativism enters my life, it always pervades my whole existence. It spills over from one facet of my being to another. Do I bring it with me?- I don't know. I don't want to, but its surprising the things you can do without trying at all, eh? And the natural successor is the fear, that this charged cloud I carry around on my head will stay, decide to become a permanent fixture. And I can grovel, I can sweeten, I can rant, I can come clean - but the cloud will melt only when IT wants to. Don't you hate powerlessness, the weak helpless feeling? I do. I hate it. Especially when the cloud settles so deep around my eyes that it distorts vision, flights of imagination, even smiles look like grimaces or worse still smirks. I take my poison into other people's days and color their moments black, its a compulsive disorder when the cloud hovers. I am going to go think determinedly happy thoughts and pray for a cloud-dispelling day.Toodles.