From Another Life:
Monday, August 04, 2003
Stillwater, OK

Dealing with self-inflicted pain is a bitch. You know the source, love it too much to do anything and feel guilty as sin for putting yourself through it. When I am hurt, this hurt and I recognize that its my own damn fault, who do I rant about? Who do I blame so I can be free? Why does it still feel like the entire cosmos is conspiring to bring me pain? The sense of betrayal is perhaps the hardest to explain, because I cant point a finger at myself and say "You let me down" can I? To change, I need motivation. And thats when I am like "i don't give a f----!" When I am ashamed and sad and crying my eyes out - I am telling myslef, its never getting better you stupid fat fool. All this pain, these tears - they will leave no permanent mark on your life. Because you wont rise from your bed, wipe your swollen eyes and make your existence over. You will feel f-in sorry for yourself, cry some more, eat a doughnut and f-in forget about it until the next time someone reminds you what a loser you are. Since I was made me a sinner why did He give me the discernment of my crime? If He gave me remorse then why not the will to reform? This is my perdition!