An old friend - once a very close friend - dropped me a line today that set me to thinking about my life - yesterday, today and tomorrow. It brought to mind many conundrums I have mulled over before like the nature versus nurture question, about what ingredients in a woman's personality drives her decision-making process.
I have always attributed my own choices to circumstance. Amma often says that feeling responsible for my family was only a convenient scapegoat for my own ambitions. Perhaps she is right to some extent - couldn't I have done my duty towards them without leaving India, without choosing to pursue years of expensive education, without claiming complete independence? I could have I suppose - but in my defense I was genuinely impatient to begin contributing. I didn't see myself as ever being more than a burden with an arts degree and some teaching job waiting for me that paid exactly as much as Amma was getting paid. I couldn't wait until a marriage Amma had financed came to fruition to explore opportunities for a lucrative career, for the possibility of earning in a currency that could convert into enough Rupees to wipe that perpetual look of worry on Amma's face. Besides - I was 19! Only the most grandiose schemes occur to one when one is 19! I would never have thought of a ladder where an elephant could take me to new heights. You know what I mean?
Whether it was selfish ambition or age and circumstance - where it took me was a life of perpetual challenges, uphill climbs and the constant struggle to stay afloat. I take pride in the fight it put in me - though when people talk about strife building character, I wonder if that is necessarily true in my case. I have not visibly improved much -but I have learned to curb an acid tongue and hair-trigger anger. Having many roomates who dont speak your language can help you do that. I am still irresponsible and do most hair-raisingly important things at the last minute - but now I have the resourcefullness to correct my own mistakes. Almost having to go home mid-way through your precious education because you forgot to fill out a form will do that. But in true qualities that define character - honesty, sacrifice, kindness, generosity, fairness, dependability, strength of mind - I do not beleive I have changed for the better. Rather - I am more ruthless in acheiving an end, more cautious in trusting others, more focused on protecting myself and my assets, less open with every thought and desire. I even feel less guilty when I prioritize myself or my need over someone else's - I am more easily convinced that after so many lonely hard years, I deserve to take care of myself.
Apparently flying without a safety net for many years enhances those qualities in me that sent me soaring off on my own in the first place. I must then conclude that circumstances have nurtured in me only that which my nature possessed in the first place - selfishness and ambition.