Excerpts from an interview with my father:

Me: Acha kutta - you look great! I see you haven't changed any from the day you...well..you know. If anything you look younger. Your dimples are deeper, your smile is more mesmerizing. Your voice reverbates in my chest like my own heartbeat and your eyes are sharper than ever behind your glasses. Is this what heaven does for you?

Achan: You see me as your heart wants to remember me mole - I will probably only get better looking every time we do this. (smiling lovingly)

Me: So down to the real business of this interview - I dont know how much more time we have and I dont want to waste a second of it. (deep breath) How does it feel...after so long? 17 years Acha! How do I look?

Achan: How does it feel? Like I never left, I stayed every minute watching over you. Thats what you wanted remember? Its what your mother wants - you know she always gets what she wants. (smiling again) How do you look? As beautiful as only my flesh and blood can look to my eyes. Remember - I saw you every day... but now with you sitting across from me, looking so earnest in your stylish clothes and impeccable make up...I see my little girl looks just the same. Eyes full of unquestioning devotion, a constant question on her lips, the same plump little arms always reaching out to hold on to me. You are still my little beauty - my kochu sundari.

Me: Acha - I am taller than you now you know. I think weigh twice as much as you ever did and I am so much older now. What do you think of the woman I have become?

Achan: Thats too broad - ask me specifically what you want to know.

Me: Ok - fine. (wrinkling nose) What do you think of the choices I have made so far?

Achan: You are a child my dear - you have made all the mistakes I knew you would make. And you have learned from them I hope. Always hold on to God's hand so He can lead you to the right decisions and choices every time and you cannot go wrong.

Me: What of my regrets Acha - will you forgive me? Can you forgive me?

Achan: I cannot forgive you your consequences - you dont deserve that, do you? But prayer works miracles - keep praying.

Me: I cry so many nights - I still cry myself to sleep. And the loneliness of my soul cripples me. Why dont you ever help me? Why don't you show me signs that are easier to read? Why dont you steer me away from the path that is going to lead me to pain and regret?

Achan: Are you interviewing me or God? Am I the keeper of your soul or are you? If you expect to grow from the spiritual seed that you are now, how can you continue to not take responsibility for your actions, your thoughts and succumbing to your desires?

Me: Ok - we wont go there then. I dont want you angry with me...smile Acha...please? Remember that night you were so mad at me because I wouldnt pronounce succumb correctly? I still LOVE that word Acha.

Achan: (Smiling) Idiot

Me: (Smiling as well) I feel much better now Acha kutta. So how do you like the new music these days? I think about coming home to you in a parallel universe and playing you my latest favorites, sitting in the dark in the drawing room with a drink in your hand and me at your feet getting your opinion on my musical tastes.

Achan: I think I would've been too grouchy to listen with any patience to ALL your favorites. But now - there are some songs that I can see why you like them as much as you do. I would much prefer sitting in the living room in the dark listening to you singing to me - in that parallel universe of yours.

Me: (Smiling widely) You know I got laryngitis soon after you...you know. I dont sing that much anymore Daddy dearest. If I had sung for you would you have called me your "little lady"?

Achan: You sing your little heart out in the shower though dont you? I hear you all the time!(winking). But I had no idea you wanted me to call you "little lady" mole

Me: Well you would call all my grown up cousins that when you were laughing with them or teasing them. I wanted so bad for you to look at me with that same smile in your eyes. I couldn't wait to grow up so you could treat me like a little lady.

Achan: (Sighing) I didn't think I would still have lingering bitterness about not staying with you all after so long, but sometimes the sorrow is as fresh as if it was November 1990 all over again.

Me: (blinking back tears) So do you miss us Acha? As much as we missed you?

Achan: I think I miss touching you all the most - feeling your mother's palm when I ache to hold her hand, the curve of your cheek when I want to soothe away a tear, Achu's stubbly new beard when he is looking in the mirror willing it to grow. You have held on to each other in your sorrow mole - I watched alone, always close but just far enough away to never be with you again.

Me: (Crying) Can you forgive us for living, loving, laughing without you for so long Acha? How do you bear it - knowing I actively think about you only once a day when I pray in the morning? How do you not want to scoop Amma up in your arms and protect her from all the sorrow and pain she is facing alone?

Achan: (eyes glittering with tears) Its what I wanted - to hear myself in every laugh, in every tired joke you all kept repeating. I stayed with you in every silly, important, funny, sad, painful, scary moment that you lived through - I don't - would never want your hearts to have stopped with mine.

Me: You know we have wished we could have all just gone with you? We wanted nothing more than to see you, kiss your cheeks, smell your unique fragrance of incense and cigarettes, hear your soft laugh, hear your teasing, even sit through your sulky silences. We wanted it with every particle of our souls Acha. Poor Achu - he perhaps is the unluckiest of us all - to have so little of you in his head and his memories.

Achan: When he would make up stories of things he and I did together or muddle up one of your tales of me in the retelling..remember that?...that would break my heart all over again. You must love him enough for me as well. Your Amma is fragile - she needs you and so does your brother, your duty is always to them first. You must do what I would have done for them as much as you can. It is not just your duty, it was what you were born to do.

Me: How can I fill your shoes?? How do I even dream of doing what you could have done? I am only a shadow of you, a weak imitation. Acha - I am a candle to your sun - you expect more than I am capable of being!!

Achan: But you have me silly! - always in your heart. I am the whisper of conscience in your soul. I am the smile on your sleeping face, I am the slight movement you feel in your heart when you hear your mother laugh. I am the sharp hunger you feel when you think of India. I am the anger that whips you when you fall down in your esteem. I am the quiet strength that seems to seep in from nowhere when you think you are up against a wall. I am in you Muthe - where do you think I have been so long? Always remember - inside of you, in your heart and soul - thats where you should search to find me.

Me:Inside me? All along Acha? Wait....dont leave Acha - are you leaving? Was that goodbye? When will we talk again? When do I get another chance like this Acha....please dont go yet! We have a little more time dont we? Why is your image fading on the edges Acha - why is your voice starting to sound only like my own? No - I wasnt finished, I have so much more to ask you, so much more to tell you. Please....